Finding A New Groove

I’ll admit, I have been in a funk for a while now. Here I am, a woman in my mid to upper 40’s.. (ahem, 47!! How the heck did that happen so fast?!)

Aside from the fact that I am hurdling like a burning meteor towards the big FIVE-O, I am still trying to build myself into who I am intended to become. Let’s just say, I am a work in progress. Are not we all? That is what the true meaning of life is about, I suppose. Becoming who we are meant to be. I wonder, if once we finally figure it out is that while we are about to die? This is not a totally depressing thought, really…. Life is about the adventure, the unknowing of what is to be…. the wonder, and wandering of it all.

I used to write so much more than I do now. I somehow, over the past few years, lost my motivation. Maybe I felt limited in subject matter and what I am allowed to write about in my life without upsetting some, or offending others. Maybe I was just to busy? Maybe I was distracted by scrolling other people’s lives on social media? I know social media has sucked the life out of a lot of us, and compacted our thoughts to highlight reels, soundbites, and funny cat Memes.

In truth, it’s probably a mixture of everything stated above.  Writing has always been about feeling and expression for me. I just didn’t “feel like it” for those years.

Sure, I have a lot of subject matter I could write about. But, I struggle with what is appropriate? What can I safely express these days? I am at a point in life that I don’t crave conflict. I also don’t want to intentionally upset or offend others. SO, I stuff my thoughts, my feelings, my observations, my emotions…. you know, my voice. Instead, I do a lot of observing of others…. that in itself is a lot I could write about, Lord knows!

Life has handed me some personal challenges. Health, family, raising kids, you know, the usual stuff “dreams” are made of. Some dreams, as we know, can also be nightmares. I do my best to take it day by day, like everyone else. Trying to remember we ALL have this kind of stuff. Best to get on with living and not focus on it all too much. Be kind, good, polite…. that sort of thing we are taught to say/ think/feel.

We live in a society that tells us we always need to be happy, it’s the goal,  after all. That we have to  see only the positive, the good. Ever the optimist! But, this is only one of the human emotions we are subjected to, what about the others?

We are all made so imperfectly perfect.. that’s the kicker. Society has programmed us to ignore the raging elephant in the room, even if it is crashing around, breaking stuff and destroying our lives. IT’s OK, go to your “safe room”…  We are not supposed to talk about our feelings because it might make someone else uncomfortable, removing them from their zen…. it’s always about what others feel, not about owning and acknowledging our own feelings too.

Look, we are supposed to constantly be cheerful! The world is supposed to always be safe and kind…

So, we sit, we smile and we sip our wine. “What we focus on we find”, after all.

We are all pretending! Lets be clear, no one is or should be happy all the time. We throw up our lives on Fakebook, but are we really showing a good rounded perspective of our lives? Of course not! We show the highlight reels, it’s more pleasant, upbeat and positive. We want to pretend to have a life that everyone envies. It’s what’s expected. Sure, we all have those highlights with ups, because for the most part, life is grand! But it’s not always a picnic, so how should we learn to cope? Life is not supposed to work that way (like a highlight reel). We have to grow, and go through difficult “stuff” to become better people. It’s how we learn to genuinely appreciate the good stuff.  It’s perfectly OK when we are not OK every moment.

I wonder as I scroll through Fakebook and Insta-gratification, seeing all the highlights if this isn’t harming our emotional well-being, in the long run? I feel so lonely when I see my friends and family doing things while I am home, scrolling. I am not living in real life, but instead through a screen. That concerns me.  Fortunately, I can identify this feeling in myself and step away. I have stepped away considerably, and I feel better. More focused, more happy. I have more time. I often put my phone in another room. I don’t miss it at all, in fact it is a relief. Especially lately with all the polarizing posts. I fear, no one can agree to get along, even in disagreement. All this turmoil takes its toll on us. That, in addition to seeing just the highlight reels… it’s all too much. I have made a conscious effort. I know I spend less time and can track it better now that I have a new phone that tracks screen time.

I don’t think this is how we are supposed to live as humans. This is not true interconnection or meaningful communication. It is a social network, but it’s not socializing. I do appreciate some aspects, especially living removed from my family and friends. I enjoy it to keep up with everyone, see their kids, grandkids, dogs, etc… I really DO enjoy those highlight reels, to a degree. I am just saying there is more to life. I miss coffee with neighbors, laughing and talking about our days, with friends in “real life”. Remember those days??? Am I the only one who misses those?

Anyway, I am rambling…. I tend to do that!

I am really going to try to express myself more through writing.. Be it good, or bad. Fair warning!!! The first step is already started, I am trying to spend less time scrolling others highlight reels on social media.  I want to write more and spend more time in the moment of experiencing my own life. I originally started blogging back in 2004 as a way to journal my thoughts. I have made some lifelong friends IRL through that expression. They are stuck with me… and we each got to know one another well through our writings. The good, the bad and the ugly….. but that’s what it is about, right?!

I still am unsure where I want to take this blog space? We have enough blogs about cooking, being happy, spirituality and taking care of ourselves. I guess, I will just do what I used to do, and write about what “is”…. sometimes it will be fantastic. Other times it might be sad, angry, amusing, or offensive….. but it will all be me.

I wonder, where do I begin?

I am a wandering….

Just remember…

“Not all who wander are lost” J.R.R. Tolken